Dear Lucas Aristotle/ Dear Dad

Dear Lucas Aristotle/ Dear Dad

​Dear Lucas Aristotle Hagan,
This is a picture of me and your Grandad Dennis D. Knight on my wedding Day to your Father, Trenton.
Dennis Knight was my best friend in the entire world,  and he would have been so happy to see you. He would have spoiled you SO much!
Dad was great with kids! He spoiled your cousin Brayden. Every morning he would wake him up and make him eggs and ketchup. It’s disgusting to think about, lol, but your cousin loved it.
And your other cousin Madi…when she was a baby…she had a room that had a theme of ivy all over it. Dad took a table that he found on the side of the road, and he completely refurbished in to treasure. He took ivy wallpaper and put it on the top of the table. He just wanted a place for his granddaughter to sit and play.
He loved his Grandkids SO much! I wonder the sweet things he would have done for you.
Every morning when I was a little girl in 6th grade, he’d wake me up at 5 am and make me hot chocolate.  He would add milk and whip cream and he would make it extra fat! Lol! We would talk about my day and what was going on in school, and then, he would drive me 45 minutes out of district. Because it was a better school than the one in my area.
He would pick me up and we would talk and talk and talk some more! He would have pizza flavored combos and apple juice. Lol, he really loved to spoil us with food!

Like, there was this one time a boy broke up with me in middle school,  and Poppy walked 30 minutes to Walmart and got me Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and a Dawson’s Creek poster to hang in my room! 😂😂😂
He was the best Dad in the world- next to your Dad, of course! My promise to you is you will always have awesome memories like that with your Dad. And of my Dad. Because he would have worshipped the ground you walked on!

Love Always,

Mommy
Dear Dad,
It’s now been close to 6 years since you have been gone. The last year was a total whirl wind of emotions. I adopted a baby.  He is so precious he makes my heart feel like it’s going to explode with joy at times.

And then…Donald Trump was elected President! I went through a range of emotions to say the very least. I kept wanting to talk to you SO bad! I was angry and then angrier! I kept wanting to pick up the phone and ask you for advice. It was aweful! And I knew how sad and disappointed you would have been. And then I remember what you told me when I was 16. “The world can’t be changed in one night, baby steps.” So, I knew that I couldn’t change the situation, but I could be the strong a stubborn Young Woman you raised me to be. I protested. I went to Washington,  I marched, I sang. I helped organize rallies. He is under investigation now, and I really am hoping this goes somewhere.

Trenton is good. He is the happiest he has ever been. You always said he would make a great Father, and you were right. He still seems to not really know what he wants to do with his life. He still loves politics, but, maybe he can just be a great Dad like you were.

And, Abby is pregnant! Still haven’t seen Madi or Abby in a while but I saw a picture the other day and she looks breathe taking!

I got a new job within the bank…still haven’t been published again. I know it’s going to happen, but, I really hope more than anything that you are proud of the young woman I turned out to be. I will always love you no matter what. Thank you for always making me feel like I was somebody. Thank you for always loving me.
With Love Your Daughter,

Mae Hagan

PS Tell Stella I Love her so much!

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ISO My Tribe 

ISO My Tribe 

I want to tell you all a little bit of my story tonight. Just the beginning part. My Grandma was my best friend and she raised me until I was 9. She was this amazing woman, and she was incredibly beautiful. And she would tell my Dad incredibly sweet things about me like, “The best thing you ever did in this life was make this baby. ” And she was a character! She did tarot and astrology and spells. And she told my Dad, “She is going to be a walking contradiction. People are going to love her and hate her at the same time. She will eventually rub off on to her harshest critics.” 

Okay, so, I had a dream in Feb 1995 that my Grandma came to me in my sleep and she pointed to her birthdate on an old wooden calendar we would put together every month.  She told me that she was going to die on her birthday. 

I woke up screaming. My Grandma comes to my bed. She holds me. 

March 2nd, 1995 I am actually with my Mom and Dad. Its my Grandma’s birthday. I call my Grandpa and tell him I want to bring Grandma her birthday present. He tells me I can’t come over.  He says Grandma has had a stroke, and an ambulance has taken her to the hospital.  

She passes a few hours later. 

My Grandpa sends me to live with my Mom and Dad. 

My mom dies when I am 14. Very tragically, and this is another story in itself. 

My Dad is sick, and social services comes in the night she passes and tells my Dad that because he is sick, I have to be signed over in to my oldest brothers guardianship. And if he doesn’t I have to be signed over to Foster Care. (Also, this is why I still don’t trust social services to this day! Lol) 

SO, we moved around a lot the next few years. And, because of thid it was hard for me to find my tribe. Especially with my weight issues I just always felt like I didn’t belong. And, I was very self destructive and would sabotage any relationship with anyone that tried getting close with me. And this continued for well in to my adult life. I still have to stop myself from time to time. 

I guess I wanted to write this post for all of the other people out there like me.  I know I’m not the only one that has felt alone before-but when you know me- you know you don’t have to feel this way.  You will always have your tribe with me. And we will be one badass tribe.